I'll share my thoughts regarding the previous blog (Thanks for your responses!)
Me and Monica agreed to pray for a month (November of 2003) to see if God would speak to us regarding whether or not we were "meant for each other". We spent that time apart from each other until the Lord spoke to us.
It was the last day of November, and I still had not heard from the Lord at all. I remember laying in bed in San Francisco, praying to God, "Ok God, this is it. The last day, and I still haven't heard you speak regarding whether or not Monica is the one for me". I kept imagining God would be all dramatic and speak to me at the very last second.
I fell asleep.
I'm quite a deep sleeper... my roommates in college would wake up when my alarm went off, then they'd get up, and physically wake me up since I sleep like a bear. But oddly, that night I was woken up by a leak in the ceiling due to rain... IN ANOTHER ROOM! It was weird, I was wide awake and couldn't go back to sleep because the drip was so constant and so annoying. I remember being utterly frustrated as I laid their trying to fall back asleep.
Then God spoke to me. I had JUST read Proverbs 27:15:
"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day".
The Lord spoketh! Not that Monica IS NOT THE ONE because she's like a constant dripping... she's anything but quarrelsome! But the Lord spoke to me by helping me realize from this Scripture that the Lord ISN'T going to speak to me regarding whether someone is the one for me or not. I have a freedom to choose.
Prov. 27:15 is a guideline regarding our spouse- it's better not to marry someone who is quarrelsome. It is not a command. The Bible is filled with guidelines for wisely choosing a spouse. For men, wives should be submissive, God-fearing, not quarrelsome, not ill-tempered, etc. For women, it's good if their husband is considerate, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, etc.
The only clear Biblical commands for knowing whether one is the one for us is:
1. He/She is a equally yoked
2. He/She is of the opposite gender.
Other than these two criteria, the Bible only provides guidelines, and allows us the freedom to choose whoever we would want to marry, as long as these two criteria are met. Once we marry, the responsibility is ours to be faithful to our spouse for the rest of our earthly life.
Biblically speaking, there is just no evidence of God having that perfect one for you. The argument is from silence. Of David's many wives, which one was the "right one"? Not that God condoned multiple wives, but even when David married on different occasions, God never condemned David, nor anyone else in the Bible, for marrying the wrong wife.
Logically, it just doesn't work. Considering the past, once someone married the wrong person (which the divorce statistics tell me that's likely the case, and probably happens all the time), EVERYONE ELSE marries the wrong person. For example, if I married the wrong person, I took someone's perfect person, and that someone will end up marrying another wrong person, who was supposed to be someone else's perfect person... and so on and so on. Everyone gets jacked.
There are things we can find in God's Word as things that God values in his people. If we value those same things and look for them in our spouse, then I think we'll be pleased. And during the times when we aren't very pleased, we need the mercy and grace of God to be faithful and committed to love the one we chose for life.
3 comments:
I should also mention that although I don't think God chooses that one perfect person for you, He is all-knowing and already knows who that person already is. Therefore, it's ok to start praying that God prepares that person for you, and you for him/her. You have the freedom to choose, but God knows who you'll choose, so it's a good thing to start praying NOW!
Much of what you say makes sense and the argument is backed up with scripture. If anybody is thinking about this further and wants to make a good decision about who to marry, I strongly recommend reading 'Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance' by Dr. Don Raunikar. My brother lent it to me before and it helped me understand a lot biblically apart from the thinking of the world, which causes the devastating rate of divorce.
This book has helped him a lot as he is happily married now and has two children. He was praying much beforehand meeting her. Also he did have a separation period to hear from God. It talks about different criteria to make a very good choice, such as similar goals and mission, parents agree, similar path, biblical leading, being a Christian, characteristics of the opposite sex, etc.
This book is more towards 'Courtship' and I believe it is more biblical than dating. I'm curious to hear what people think about 'courting.' This goes through all the steps of this process, from preparing yourself, choosing God's best, and the process of courtship to marrying the one you choose. However, I do believe that the God of the Universe and as a characteristics of God's is Sovereignty, we need to start praying much beforehand and God can lead us.
Ultimately, we need to prepare ourselves and our relationship with God first as David states: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart," (Psalm 37:4).
If we seek God and continue to seek God after marriage, I believe this is the defining difference between those who have a successful marriage and those who end up in divorce.
I used to believe in "courtship," but I think it's just semantics. Pastor Britt Merrick or Reality did a message on Christian dating. We can call it courtship, but in the dictionary, it is: "to woo or pursue" or "to seek the attraction of in order to mate, often with the intention to marry." Even animals court as a ritual. Yeah, it sounds better than dating because the modern definition is blurs relationships to casual intimacy. But just because it's an old-fashioned word doesn't mean it isn't worldly. Britt gives the example, if we look at the bible, God created Eve for Adam. "God didn't say, 'Hey, Adam! Here's a blonde, a brunette, a redhead! Which one would you like?'" So fathers chose for their sons and daughters.
Does this mean we should have arranged marriages? Maybe not. It does mean we should be prayerful about it and follow biblical guidelines, like you wrote. More importantly, though, we must guard our hearts with the focus on God, not worldly romance or just fun. We know our maturity level. We may not intend to marry immediately, but if we know for a fact that we don't intend to marry this person, the motive behind dating/pursuing is just a want for romance and fun, not God-centred. Like snacking on potato chips while wasting your appetite for the real banquet God prepared (esp. with physical intimacy).
Nonetheless, with worldly courtship comes the engagement process, which used to be a legally binding contract, the ring a "deposit," so if the man breaks the contract, he is sued in court, defamed, the ring to pay for "damages" (intimacy, reputation, being "off the market").
Definitely NOT the biblical approach to finding a spouse. I believe part of divorce prevention is seeing the red flags and knowing when to back out, before marriage. Some people feel that they've already been with this person for x long, made the commitment, and are hell-bent to stay with them to the altar (I was one). We must realise that God created marriage for two people to complement one another. If it's not working out no matter what, holding on just for the sake of proving you can get there is a selfish, proud, and worldly sense of possession, not a Godly motive.
That said, when two people have prayed and gotten engaged, I strongly believe in premarital counselling. We went through it. It's understanding that marriage is not "for better or worse," just different. It helped us understand our changed lives and roles as we become one in spirit and flesh, how to handle tasks, money, possessions while giving up our "individual" lives. Other advice was "commitment is more important than compatibility," which is what biblical marriage is about. Interests change and lifestyles evolve. Happiness isn't so easy with the stresses of life. However, commitment to Christ and to the marriage means we'll grow together, so if we're following God together, whether or not we're the "perfect" ones for each other doesn't matter because God will mould us more as time passes. Noting, also, that our love should also be modelled after His love, which is not about attraction, personality, or being "fun." There will inevitably end up people who will (due to age or otherwise) be more physically attractive than your spouse, share more interests, etc., but love and marriage is more than that.
Our prayers during our engagement also considered how I can be a good "helpmate" to Chris / how he can be a good provider and leader. That, more than being "perfect soulmates," has built a steady marriage between us thus far, even through our financial ups and downs and life struggles.
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